Dealing with Escalated Behaviors

 This Friday our staff will be attending a training on how to de-escalate students who have become very agitated, angry or out of control.  As we are thinking about how we help students calm down when they are getting hot and their emotions are running high, I wondered if parents could benefit from some of the same tips.  It's challenging to know how to help your child when they are breaking down or throwing an all out tantrum, so here are some tips for you.

First, when emotions are strong, kids can often be "seeing red" and not be able to have a reasonable conversation at that moment.  Instead of trying to talk to them through the haze of emotions, remember they may need a break and some time to cool down in a private space.  Many times, this is enough for them to calm and become ready to problem-solve.  

As your child is screaming about how he/she feels, you can validate their feelings, without necessarily agreeing with their perspective on the situation.  "I can hear that you are frustrated right now."  It's helpful for them to know they are heard.  Sometimes it's tricky for kids to communicate in words what is going on so this requires patience on our part too.

You are the adult and your response to their behavior is crucial - remain emotionless, calm, and almost monotone in your reaction.  There is already one person whose emotions are out of control and even though it's hard to see that in your child, it's important for you to remain as calm as possible.  This helps to neutralize the situation.

Lastly, it's still important to set boundaries.  It's ok to be upset but it's not ok to hit or kick someone and it's not ok to make dangerous or damaging actions in your anger.  When the incident is over, the child will need some time to recover and reassurance that you are still their advocate even though they are struggling with controlling their behavior at the moment.  Reparations, empathy, forgiveness and love need to follow a difficult situation.  And a little patience and grace for yourself too because parenting can be hard some days!